Isle of Man’s tram-tastic folly: why commuter trams won’t work on our beloved island

True experts are people who practise something repeatedly and have skin in the game. Airline pilots are the classic example: thousands of landings in a simulator, before being allowed to fly a commercial passenger aircraft, and their life is literally linked to the safe landing of an aircraft.

At the other extreme from real experts, consultants paid by the Government to come up with hare-brained ideas to run transport systems are the epitome of fake experts. They are not practised at running transport systems, and they have no stake in the success (or failure) of their resulting recommendations.

Thus, we should not be too surprised that the Isle of Man Government’s latest set of fake experts have come up with a wacky idea to run commuter tram services on the Isle of Man.

Picture this: a shiny new tram chugging along from Ramsey to Douglas, with picturesque hills and bends on the way. Sounds charming, right? Well, sure, as a tourist endeavour. It is a fun and slow trip. But as a commuter service? Not so much. As an Isle of Man resident and a tram veteran from Melbourne, I can’t help but scoff at the recent proposal to introduce commuter trams to our island.

Firstly, trams are great for urban jungles, not for the rural idylls of the Isle of Man. They’re ideal for bustling city strips where throngs of people need to hop on and off quickly. But here? Our needs are different. We’re talking in the Isle of Man about shifting folks between regional towns, not cramming them in for a short city jaunt.

And let’s talk speed – or the lack thereof. With our island’s uneven terrain, expecting a tram to zip at anything over a leisurely 30mph is wishful thinking. Imagine the snail-paced journey from Ramsey to Douglas. Pretty to enjoy as a tourist, but tedious to endure as a commuter.

I don’t claim to be a particular expert on the economics of trams, but I spent a good quarter-century of my life riding thousands of trams in the flat, straight streets of Melbourne, where they make sense. Melbourne has lengthy strip shopping precincts along tram routes, making them viable. But transpose that idea to the Isle of Man’s winding roads and sparse population? It’s like fitting a square peg in a round hole.

So, before we jump on the tram bandwagon, let’s take a moment to chuckle at this outlandish proposal from the fake experts. We might love our heritage, but let’s not turn our transport system into a heritage joke. Instead, let’s stick to more practical solutions that suit our unique landscape and needs. Indeed, perhaps before fake experts suggest gambling the money of Manx people on nutty schemes like this, could we get The Cabbage working first? A decade ago, the Government had lofty aspirations of using a diesel locomotive to offer commuter services during TT on the steam railway. How’s that last boondoggle going?